President's New Plan: "Find a Flag and Salute It."

March 8, 2006: Concerned about the possibility that America's less than enthusiastic support of the Iraq war is a signal of possible "diminished patriotism," the president has suggested that citizens engage in a process that he feels "would realign the nation in the War Against Terror."
"This process, named Operation Vow Renewal is a simple 2-step process." The President told the press. "Find a flag and salute it! That's all you gotta do."

"And make sure that someone else sees you doing it." said the President. According to the White House, "American people love to be a part of something. And people copy other people they admire so they won't feel like their missing out on something."

To promote the new project, the White House is planning several new public service TV and radio commercials outlining the process using attractive and fit, well dressed actors selected to portray patriotic Americans. The commercials are modeled after the style of Apple Computer's iPod TV advertisements.

There was initial discussion as to whether Americans should be left to their own discretion to salute flags on the honor system, or whether to create a universal signal which would prompt them to salute a flag.

It was agreed that, if left to their own devices, Americans probably wouldn't salute spontaneously. On the other hand, Americans are more likely to act if encouraged, perhaps, by community leaders such as ministers of large, conservative Christian organizations.
Ultimately, the decision was made to create a universal signal.
"The signal, which will be broadcast 5 times a day from loudspeakers on the tops of buildings, will have a long, slowly changing pitch, going from high to low, to high again... for about one minute," said a Department of Homeland Security spokesperson. click to hear a sample.

Upon hearing the signal, a citizen may choose to quickly find a flag, then salute it for one minute. "The whole thing lasts about 2 minutes." said the DHS spokesperson.

"Just like the iPod commercials, you can swing your hips around. Just make sure that someone else sees you doing it. And if you're attractive, fit and hip, you'll be more likely to encourage others."

As to whether one should gyrate, salute, or do both, our DHS spokesperson suggested that we consult a minister.