Russian Athlete's Thanksgiving Threat: "We will eat Turkey."
November 24, 2009: Amateur athlete, Mikhael Demidov, sitting in his 1976 Peugot outside a Skokie, Illinois bowling alley, his Kool cigarette between his lips, has a vendetta. full story...

Thousands of Middle-Eastern Men Stone Selves.
November 30, 2007: "A shocking realization," is what Mohamed Salihovich said yesterday upon hearing about the Teddy Bear Teacher's plight in Sudan. He was one of many Middle-Easterners who had received a sudden and mind-opening revelation: "My first name is Mohamed. I am an infidel. I must stone myself." full story...

Scientist Invents World’s Smallest Cell Phone, Loses It.
March 10, 2006: After struggling through bureaucracy, bankruptcy, and a finally a divorce, tech prodigy Huang Schortz has lost hope of ever recovering his brainchild. full story...

Cyber Televangelist: "Robot Prostitution Not Immoral."
March 9, 2006: As times change, so does technology. But with technology, one must wonder if ancient teachings still hold their meaningfulness in modern times. full story...

President's New Plan: "Find a Flag and Salute It."
March 8, 2006: Concerned about the possibility that America's less than enthusiastic support of the Iraq war is a signal of possible "diminished patriotism," the president has suggested that citizens engage in a process that he feels "would realign the nation in the War Against Terror."
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Arsonists Feel the Pinch: Gas Prices "Too High."
"We gonta have to resort to some ancient techniques and methods of burning peoples houses down from now on if these prices keep goin' up."
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Al Qaeda Declares "No Contest" in Terror War Against US. Says Victory "Too Easy." full story...

Angry Steelworker Shouts at President
“No more!" shouted Marjorie Shiatsu. "I ain't gonna take it no more!"
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BB King: "I Never Really Had the Blues."
Legendary Blues singer, BB King looked somber as we sat together in his dressing room in Las Vegas. He watched me in the mirror as he spoke. “I've never actually had the Blues, you know,” he confided. He seemed to be waiting for a reaction from me, some kind of emotional micro-eruption. I gave him none. full story...


Taliban Secretly Issues Credit Cards to American Soldiers in Hopes of Crushing U.S. Economy.
August 28, 2004: A Taliban plot designed to undermine the American economic infrastructure was recently foiled when FBI agents traced a customer service 800 number to a remote region of Pakistan. full story...


Judge Rules: "Frog" Song Not Offensive.
A Huntington Beach, California Judge ruled Thursday that the act of simply singing a song about a frog cannot be interpreted slanderous or libelous by a listener regardless of the intensity of the listener's neurosis. full story...


"Too Few Latino Names," Schwarzenegger Says.
California Governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, told legislators this week in Sacramento that "the problem with California is that too many Latinos have the same last names."

Schwarzenegger told reporters that the solution to many of California's woes was to add new surnames to existing Latino names, thus expanding the limited array of last names associated with the Spanish, Latinos or Hispanics. full story...


Frustrated Man Undergoes Sex Change So He Can Multitask
Looking for the way to get an edge on the competition has always been the quest of many an aspiring entrepreneur or business leader. How do you do to keep ahead of the competition... the guy chasing you down the field when you’re running for the goal line? Many feel that the ability to multitask is the key. full story...

Performance Artist Donates Body to Medical School to be Used as Crash Test Dummy.
When Ronny Alvin Rigby wrote his last will and testament, his attorney wasn’t prepared for the unusual request scribbled by his client onto a scrap of cardboard. full story...

Hillary Clinton “Genuinely Sorry” About Ghandi Joke.
Hillary Rodham Clinton’s self-proclaimed “lame attempt at humor” during a comedy fund-raiser on Saturday "is an offense to the memory of Gandhi," said David Robertson, a political science professor at University of Missouri - St. Louis. full story...

Jack Daniels Unveils New Line of Baby Food
Always trying to stay ahead of the pack with new additions to their product line, Brown-Forman Corporation, parent company of Jack Daniel's Tennessee Whiskey, has decided to offer a new line of baby foods. Tentatively labeled Junior Jack, the product will include recipes like Jalapeno Caliente Puree with Carrots and Tennessee Tuna.

"Like any good parent, we're always looking out for our little ones." said one company spokesperson. "We know these precious children will be brought up properly in the Daniel's family. We're nourishing them now as we'll nourish them later when they're adults."

A FBI Uncovers Disgruntled Anti-Abortionists' Plot to Bomb Walmart
“ It was a cause in search of a cause. Hundreds of disgruntled anti-abortionists, frustrated by the lack of "bomb-able" abortion clinics in the town of Albion, PA, instead, converge on the local Walmart in protest !"
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Unattractive One Armed Woman with 196 Cats Found Guilty of Animal Cruelty full story...

Psychic Wins Lottery Again: Authorities Baffled

Lottery officials are baffled at how a Mahoning Furnace, Pennsylvania psychic has managed to win the Pennsylvania State Lottery for the sixth time in as many months.full story...

Sources Say: Bush to Attack SARS

According to Pentagon sources, President Bush plans to deploy microscopic smart bombs from tiny smart bombers aboard little-bitty smart aircraft carriers off the coast of China in an attempt to halt the spread of SARS.

"We'll use the latest smart weapons to show SARS that anyone who thinks of threatening the American people will pay a heavy price." He said Friday in a news conference. "This is really gonna smart." He said.

Bush also plans to install an interim government after he is satisfied that there has been what military analysts consider to be a complete victory. "The people of SARS have been oppressed for too long." He said.

Fertility Clinic Offers Free Sperm
An Irvine, California based fertility clinic has decided to take on the struggling US economy in its own innovative way. Biotech newcomer, Vitrolab has announced that it plans to offer "free" sperm to new clients. full story...

Uncanny Coincidences Cause Eyebrows to Rise April 10, 2002:
An unusual coincidence finds the Space Shuttle wet up to its wingtips. full story...

Paula Jones vs. Tania Harding: The Revival of an Ancient Art. Some thought the debate was unresolvable, but Jones and Harding teach the world a lesson in conflict management using a tried and proven technique. And... once and for all, we finally learn whether "In the Bedroom" is actually a good movie... or whether it isn't. full story...