It was a cause in search of a cause. Hundreds of disgruntled anti-abortionists, frustrated by the lack of "bomb-able" abortion clinics in the town of Albion, PA, instead, converged on the local Walmart in protest

Coming to the revelation that murdering doctors at women's health clinics was unproductive... and possibly wrong, protesters realigned their sights to what the determined was The Real Enemy of God and the Americas: Walmart.

"True, babies are dying in abortion clinics," said Rev. Bat Masters, "but a few dead babies is nothing compared to the way Walmart is destroying the US economy. You got people starving in China working for fifty cents a day so my 2 year old can wear Calvin Klein and Reeboks. Meanwhile, there isn't a factory left in America that can afford to pay its workers. The unions might as well just pack up and move to Mexico, or maybe China."

The town of Albion, a tiny hamlet with virtually no marketable industries of its own, is employed by Walmart at nothing close to a functional living wage. Local citizens have no alternative but to simply count the moments before the entire community files for bankruptcy.

"We'd have to drive clear into Pittsburgh to find a clinic worth bombing anyway," said Masters. "Here at the Walmart, it's like the first day of deer season. Booyah! These guys are weepin' for a fresh can o' whoop ass."

Some still-loyal Walmart employees were seen buttressing the entries to the store with bags of fertilizer and potting soil. To many, this was the biggest game in town; a battle between good and evil, or rather, a battle against the greater of two evils. To others, it was another reason to move to Erie, PA 20 miles to the east. "Them people are just crazy in Albion," said one Erieite as she waited for the inevitable influx of Albionese immigrants.

"Heck if these young kids just tried birth control in the first place, we wouldn't have to go to clinics and shoot the nurses. There wouldn't be no abortions in the first place. We'd be out baggin' muskrats instead of doctors." With clinic pickins this slim, protestors for now will just have to settle for Walmart.