The California grocery chain, Albertsons, accused of overcharging on checkout scanners, has been ordered to pay out 1.85 million dollars in fines in a court ruling. Albertsons' plans to defend itself in court by proving that a great many of their customers are simply insane, therefore not credible in their accusations. "Those who aren't crazy are usually just whiners," according to company executives.

Albertsons claims that the scanning errors are inadvertent and bound to happen once in a while. However, their frequency was so great that it didn't take consumer protection agencies long to catch on to the pattern of overcharges after numerous customers filed complaints.

One such customer was Boers Boerling who lives in Corona del Mar, California, an upscale community south of Los Angeles where people are accustomed to sky-high prices for everyday items.

Boerling noticed that he was charged $1299.99 for a six-pack of Heineken beer at the local Albertsons on Pacific Coast Highway. "It seemed a little steep, I guess," said Boerling, no stranger to high-ticket luxuries; He drives a $200,000 red Ferrari Stradale.

Boerling, a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic and heir to the Boerling Meatpacking fortune started by his grandfather Niels "The Butcher" Boerling in Argentina in 1945, noticed the price error in June, 2003. He immediately called his psychologist, who he refers to as Jimminy. "It seemed like talking to Jimminy would be the most sensible thing to do," Boerling said. Dr. Jimminy advised Boerling to ask the clerk for a price check. When the price check and subsequent re-scan came up the same, Dr. Jimminy suggested Boerling shrug it off as just another example of the cost of doing business in an elite California seaside village.

Using visualization techniques suggested by the psychologist, Boerling was able to regain his composure after initially bursting into tears. After he was escorted from the store, Boerling climbed into his Ferrari and drank the entire six pack of beer. When he returned a few minutes later to use the bathroom, he decided to buy a bag of potato chips and some Kleenex.

At the checkstand, Boerling again sensed that something wasn't quite right when the Classic Lays chips he was buying scanned for $3999.95. "I only buy the best," said Boerling. "Lays are good, but I never thought they were that much better than Pringles. The Pringles only cost $2.99. I just assumed the Pringles must really suck so I got the Lays."

Boerling suggested to the store manager that there might be another problem, but the manager insisted that everything was normal. Unable to reach his psychologist this time, Boerling, who also suffers from Tourette's Syndrome, became irate and thumped the manager on the testicles and called him a "poo-poo head," among other expletives, according to police.

"Being paranoid schizophrenic like this Boerling guy can be a problem," acknowledged an Albertsons spokesman. "A lot of people that come into our stores are certified wacko. We don't try to encourage them."

The chain prides itself for providing the best possible food service to the mentally disturbed. "It's a double edged sword," says Corona del Mar store manager Jib Narword. "They're nuts already, so we don't take 'em too serious. Especially if they're paranord (sic). When they complain we kind of just laugh at 'em."

Admittedly, Albertsons says employees do often have a problem differentiating between sane and insane customers, which could be a problem, the company's legal spokespersons speculate. Executives think that perhaps more training is the answer. Albertsons executives have also instituted a storewide Don't Assume They're Nuts Right Away policy for employees who are encouraged to wear lapel buttons with the slogan, "We Really Like You. OK?"

Employees are also trained not to look directly into customers' eyes while talking to them so as not to appear confrontational. "Maybe then these people will act civilized and stop complaining," mused store manager, Narwood.

All things considered, Albertsons representatives were still not convinced that the scans were, in fact, wrong.